I am asked at this time of the year why so many people living with a mental illness seem to suffer more than usual. The short, easy answer is that many of us have alienated our friends and family (more about that later) and thus we find ourselves “celebrating” the holidays alone. It’s also a time of year where we notice others having fun: parties, family gatherings and so forth and others’ happiness reminds us of what we may be missing.
We tend to be alone because trying to help us out of our depression can be frustrating. Many friends and relatives understand that we may be blue this time of the year so they go out of their way to try to make us feel better. “Come on, snap out of it! Let’s go party.” Or, “I know you’re hurting and I want to help. What can I do to make you feel better?”
Offers of help are nice, but all too often are rejected. After all, don’t you think that if I was able to “snap out of it” I would? Mental illness doesn’t work that way. It isn’t my fault I’m depressed: it’s the way my brain is wired. If I could be happy, if I could change the negative, ruminating thoughts in my head, I would! But, I can’t! There are no magic words that either you or I can say that would help me “snap out of it”. And so the more you try to help me the more frustrating it must be for you. After all, you can only encourage someone for so long before you surrender. And, when you do, I am typically left alone. Friends and family desert me and I guess I really can’t blame them. After all it isn’t fun to constantly be rejected by someone you are just trying to help.
The end result is many of us spend the holidays alone…and is that ever a downer.
The good news is that things don’t have to be this way! There are things both you and I can do to change this paradigm.
Let’s start with how you talk to me. I don’t want to hear some easy solution (“snap out of it!) that we both know won’t work. What I do want to hear are words of encouragement. Comfort me, remind me you care about me and that you know my illness isn’t my fault. Put your arms around me and make me feel wanted in spite of my illness. Tell me you understand (even if you really don’t), that you realize that living with a mental illness is hard…but also remind me that my illness CAN be managed, that with therapy and the proper medications I can function and be okay. I need to hear this and I need to hear it from you. This will help reduce the stigma associated with my disease and as the stigma reduces my shame and embarrassment reduce, too, allowing me to be bold and speak out about my issues.
The most important, powerful thing you can tell me is that you know that my illness is not my fault. I need to feel that others do not blame me for my disease. When that happens I will start to be more comfortable in my own skin, less ashamed and embarrassed.
I can be happy this time of year…and by you understanding and reassuring me that my illness is not my fault and that I can manage it, I will be able to be a part of the celebrations. Together we can change the paradigm of the holidays!